Proud yet Painful

Sometimes it all comes crashing in. A phone call out of the blue looking for a childhood friend. Memories. A friendship that started at a very young age, best friends, interrupted.

I understand a lot now. I understand why I don't jump aboard to attack men bloggers for not linking to women bloggers and why it bothers me to see it happen. I understand more about my own process when it comes to breaking rules or not fully understanding social rules. Being able to answer the question Andy asked me years ago, "Why don't you have any close women friends?", is something I can do now.

Girls' cruelty can be deadly. No, it wasn't just playground antics. When the line that connected the two of us became a triangle, we all three moved into an apartment together. Until then it had been the closest of friendships. I took off to work out-of-town for awhile and while I was gone everything I owned was taken, our lease was broken, and they had both moved. Homeless again. I was 16. I have reason to suspect that my car was also stolen and rolled by at least one of the points on the triangle. I've seen it since then; In a group of three women, there is really only room for two.

Oddly enough I found Sex, Lies and Conversation; Why Is It So Hard for Men and Women to Talk to Each Other? after following the search term 'rules of friendship' found in my referrer logs. It was written in 1990, but I sense it is timeless.

Men have always been good to me, my closest friends. I think I communicate more in the male realm. After reading the above article I know I don't fit in the woman's mold. No, I don't fit with men entirely either, but I can understand their little blogging cliques. If they get too fraternal I just don't visit. Simple. Same thing in the physical world.

Sometimes I don't understand either sex. When my old friend called looking for my childhood best friend, his old girlfriend, it was a nice phone reunion, even though I couldn't help with her location. When he subsequently found her and wanted me to call her for him, I couldn't. I just couldn't. It's been a bit intense with him pressing, me resisting, finally ending with his writing and passing along my email address to her. He wasn't fully aware of what had happened to our friendship and I couldn't understand why he didn't feel comfortable calling her himself. Men!

Where do I go from here? Everything is so jumbled. She wrote to me. I wrote back. I feel too many emotions.

The girl who elbowed her way into our friendship and pushed me out, that third point in the triangle, died from an overdose leaving behind three kids.

My childhood best friend adopted and raised her two daughters.

I'm proud to know her.
I still feel the pain from years ago.
It's so twisted. posted by Cyndy | link | | |
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